Arranged Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 5

For part 4 in the series, please click, Arranged Marriage, Part 4

The process: Selection phase

Let’s look at the selection process. When your family gets into the selection mode, the selection is made on many factors which include social and financial/economic status, educational qualifications, caste, language spoken, regional, skin complexion, artistic talents and any other objective or visible traits/qualities. Bible calls it the lust of eyes and pride of life. The subjective traits, like habits, views on things and issues, and thought process of a person, are only visible or made known when you know and have interacted with the person.

Tell me, my dear, where is God in all of these? Does God looks at outward appearance or the heart, the inward being? Does God make any difference between a Jew and a Greek? Did we not all receive the same Spirit and partake in the same heavenly blessings? Are we not all called by one and baptized in one name?

And then, you have the audacity to claim that you have prayed about the proposal, or that you are praying about it, that you are seeking God’s will, and that you are waiting on the Lord.

Are you so ignorant that you do not know that when the start is illegal, the next process is illegal and void ab-initio. If an act is illegal and void in the first place, then, the whole process is termed illegal and deemed void.

The process: Final decision

Then you visit the girl’s family to make a final decision. When you parade your daughter in front of a boy’s family, you are signifying that your daughter is just a commodity who is in the marriage market to be sold out to the best and suitable buyer. By parading her, you also make a statement to the fact that your daughter is less in value than the boy, which is absolutely ridiculous and contrary to the Bible. Bible considers both man and woman equal in marriage.

God created man and woman in His own image. Thus, they are both equal before God. God commands woman to be silent in the church and do not have the authority to teach and preach to men I Cor 14:34-38, I Tim 2:9-15. I Pet 3:7b referring to husband and wife, says, ‘as being heirs together of the grace of life.’ Thus, they are co-heirs. Paul in Eph 5:22-33, commands husbands to love their wives and the wives to submit and respect their husbands. Submit not as a servant but as a helper and a partner. Authority of a husband is not like the authority of a schoolmaster but to lead and guide with love.

For part 6 in this series, please click,  Arranged Marriage, Part 6

Arranged Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 4

For part 3 in the series, please click,  Arranged Marriage, Part 3

Just answer me these questions, how is it possible that you scraped through your college life, church life, social life, and professional life and you could not find a person whom you love and adore, after your own heart? Do you mean to say that God did not create a person and brought him/her in front of you during all these years since your adolescence and adulthood? Are you saying that my God is unconcerned about you? That He has no plan for them whom He chose before the foundation of the world? You then believe in a cruel God, but not the God of the Bible.

My God has, in different times, and in different similitude, revealed his deep concern for us, His chosen and saved ones. In Matt 10:30, Jesus said, ‘But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.’ In Zech 2:8, it is written, ‘He who touches you touches the apple of His eye.’ Is 49:16, ‘See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.’ Just a few out of many exhortations recorded in the Bible.

For part 5 in the series, please click, Arranged Marriage, Part 5

Arranged Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 3

For part 2 in the series, please click, Arranged Marriage, Part 2

The Process: Brain-Washing

Reason number two, brain washing. Arranged marriage begins with the brain-washing process, which starts from a very early age. The girl’s mother consistently over a period of time feeds the child’s brain with the idea that to love a boy is wrong and unacceptable in the family as well as society. She discourages her from ever falling in love or to choose her own partner in the future. She is fed with the concept of ‘family honor’ to send home the point that ‘Love’ is a taboo and the girl has to respect and maintain family’s reputation and honor by suppressing her emotions and feelings and not letting them to ever take control or precedence. Let me quote what the former Indian cricket coach, Mr Greg Chappell said about decision making capabilities of Indians, “From an early age, their parents make all the decisions.” On the contrary, a boy child is given a free run, with no control mechanism in place; the boy gets the idea that he is not accountable to anyone.

During their growing years both boys and girls observe the attitude of elders and society towards those who have defied this system and chose their own partners. The elders and the society instill fear into the minds of these growing children who later on become stereotypes of those elders. They are influenced by their peers, movies and TV as well.

A Christian who lives in such a society and culture continues to follow the customs and traditions of the unregenerate society. The church, its elders and Christians themselves refuse to be transformed by the renewing of their minds that they may prove what is good and acceptable and perfect will of God Rom 12:2.

Result

The end result is a convoluted and distorted mind, a mind that plays around with its own feelings and emotions as well as that of others who come into contact and influence of such convoluted and distorted minds.

You grow up to be an adult and live through your college life, social life and professional life without making an effort to seek your life partner and refuse to make a life-long commitment to anyone based on love. You may be attracted towards someone but you consider it just a fling, a pass-time, a non-committal relationship. At the back of your mind, you know and realize that ultimately, your marriage will be decided by your parents and elders in the family.

So, you have no regard for humanity, you play with human emotions, lie, betray and cause hurt in a relationship. You would break up a relationship only to enter a new relationship giving yourself no time to heal the wounds, if there are any, because there is no humanity left there. You are zombies, you have been brainwashed to such an extent that you do not feel anything. Since you understand that these relationships doesn’t mean a thing and cannot last, as in the end you will succumb to your parent’s choice of a life-partner.

For part 4 in the series, please click, Arranged Marriage, Part 4

Arranged Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 2

For part 1 in the series, please click, Arranged Marriage, Part 1

Why an arranged marriage is not biblical? Why it is against the precepts of the Bible will be seen in the following discussion. Reason number one, human will.

Human Will

What is human will? Human will is the inherent desire of a human being to choose between right and wrong, good and evil. The subject of human will or as some may call it, free will, is a very serious and complex subject and requires a detailed study and is not the subject matter of our current discussion. Arranged marriage does not recognize or respect the will of an individual but on the contrary overpowers and suppresses the human will and emotions. Your assent or dissent is neither sought nor is considered as desired. When it is sought, it is sought in the selection and finalization of one prospect out of many. All the while the reins remain in the hands of parents and the elders relegating God as a last-minute invite. Even God does not override the human will as is revealed in Jesus’ accusation of the Jews when He said, “But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life.” Jn 5:40

This system exists among a society which does not know the True and Living God. This system is prevalent in societies and cultures which are trapped in the clutches of their tradition and any dissent or assault on the tradition of arranged marriage is seen as an assault on their very culture and tradition.

The depravity of a human mind is revealed by its insistence to follow the despicable customs of an unregenerate society which is in direct conflict with God's gift of free will to humans. Arranged marriage is one bizarre custom, which negates the concept of free will.

For part 3 in the series, please click,  Arranged Marriage, Part 3

Arranged Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 6

For part 5 in the series, please click, Arranged Marriage, Part 5

Love

Reason number three, absence of mutual love. When you look at a woman or a girl, who is set to be your wife and the future association is bereft of emotions and feelings of love, that look considers the woman as a tool and a commodity to satisfy your sexual passions, which the Bible refers to as the lust of the flesh. If you do not love the person whom you marry, how will you respect that person? If there is no respect for the person, then there is no control over your thought process and resulting actions.

That is the very reason you make snide remarks on her. She is a matter of joke to you in your talks, comments and in your discourses with others. She is made to bear the brunt of your stupidities.

Sex is an integral part of marriage. Sex has to function and enjoyed inside marriage. But when you indulge in sex with a person whom you do not love, it is then only to seek your own pleasure. It is not making love. It is to fulfill your sexual desires. It is wicked. You are only using the other person’s body as a tool to satisfy your lusts. Does not Bible state that marriage is honorable among all and marriage bed is undefiled? Did God not say that He will judge adulterers and fornicators? Heb 13:4

How can a man and a woman come together in marriage in the absence of mutual love and respect and engage in sex? Bible dedicates a whole book, the Songs of Solomon, to the love between a husband and his wife.

You know why you end up with pregnancy within a year of your marriage? Because, since you do not love each other but engage in sex, you do not want to enjoy each other. You do not want to know your wife, understand her and enjoy the company of each other for a while and you headlong into pregnancy. Also, you marry with the false idea that marriage is only for procreation. No, it is not THE number one reason to marry, but surely an important one, out of the many, as God commands in the Bible.

For final part in this series, please click, Arranged Marriage: Biblical Perspective, Part 7

Abusive Marriage: Biblical Perspective, Part 1

I am constrained to talk on this issue of abusive marriage because someone close to me is trapped in an abusive marriage. And that reminds me (though it is hard to forget) of my growing years.

I grew up in a family where my father abused my mom physically, mentally and emotionally. The physical and mental assault had a lasting impact on her. She became a picture of disaster. For as long as I had seen her, she lived an isolated life, cut-off from the society. Years of brutal and consistent assault left her with a low self-esteem and inferiority complex. The assault ceased after number of years only to return as she became more sick and became bedridden during the past one year (2011-April, 2012). In 2011, I even sought help and reported his criminal acts to the police, who like others, refused to intervene and help.

As her children began to fly away from the nest leaving her lonely, she was left to face my dad all by herself. It was only during a year before her death, as she lay in the hospital, I prodded her to share her agony and travails. She died on May 03, 2012. These are just few bits of information I am sharing for the benefit of my readers.

I never saw my mom and dad talk eye to eye. Any conversation, barely initiated, would result in my dad shrugging her off with his insensitive remark or a statement. He just did not respect her. I suppose, over the years, she realized there was no sense in having a conversation with him.

She confessed if she had the money, she would have quit her marriage. She was trapped as she had no financial back-up nor was she in a position to work, having been drained of her physical strength. She bore five children in a span of seven years. By the time the assault started, she was thirty one plus and a mother of five growing children.

She did not receive any support from the church or believers, some of who knew her ordeals. The church, the pastors, the believers all failed in their duties towards a fellow sister in Christ who was left to fight it out a lone battle. In the thirty five years that I’ve been in the church, I’ve never heard a message on the issue of abusive marriage.

Let’s begin our discussion with few questions.

What do you do when you are trapped in an abusive marriage? What do you do when you are being abused physically or mentally or both? What do you do when you are being picked on, ill-treated, humiliated, harassed, assaulted and consciously neglected by your spouse?

Confusion

These and many other questions disturb and perturb Christians in their married life. Christians are confused over this and the church has nothing to offer in these practical areas of life, having turned a blind eye to these real-life issues. The pastors and Bible teachers have failed to teach the full counsel of God to their church members. May God judge these pastors and teachers!

What is the Biblical perspective on such a sensitive and serious issue? What does Bible has to say about a marriage-gone-horribly-wrong? How should a Christian react and respond in these situations? What is the course of action available for the victim in such a marriage?

For part 2 in the series, please click, Abusive Marriage, Part 2

Abusive Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 2

For part 1 in the series, please click, Abusive Marriage, Part 1

Now, it troubles me when I see and hear the prevailing approach among Christians to this issue. The approach closely resembles that followed by the unregenerate society.

In India, among unbelievers, society's respect, family honor and reputation are the primary concern. In the unregenerate society, the parents may sympathize with the suffering of their daughter but will refuse to bail her out. She is counseled by her parents, elders of the family, siblings and relatives to continue with the marriage at all costs and to bear the suffering, all for the sake of family honor and reputation in the society. The question they are concerned about is ‘what people will say?’

False Pride

Due to their false pride and ego, being a result of the depravity of their minds, the unregenerate society disregards the rights of and goodwill towards an individual. The society is willing to sacrifice the individual than take a hit on its false pride. Since it does not worship the True and Living God, it is not concerned about the impact such abusive marriage will have in her relationship with her God. An evil and corrupt society is engrossed in religion, its rituals, customs and tradition and has no concept of God.

We Christians, having been raised in such a society and surrounded by unbelievers, too are guilty of ignorantly believing and foolishly following these customs and belief system which are contrary and are abominable to God. God of the Bible abhors the customs which are in total defiance of statutes as laid down in the Bible. We are continuously being bombarded with their approach through news and entertainment media.

At the outset, it is good to know few Biblical truths about marriage. Listen folk, marriage is important, honorable and desirable as is also written in Heb 13:3, 'Marriage is honorable among all' as well as in Prov 18:22, 'He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.' Paul also reiterated the same thing in I Cor 7:2, 9, 28, 36 and 38.

For part 3 in the series, please click,